Journal of Melissa Foster
My name is Melissa. This is the first entry in my journal. I guess that's rather obvious but I'm nervous. I'm not sure how to feel or what to write so I fear that I'll ramble much too long and it won't be of a help to anyone. It's late now. 11PM. I tried to watch TV but my mind wandered. The kids knew something was wrong. At least I think they did. They're bright kids. I slipped away and spent too long in the bathroom crying. I couldn't help myself. I still can't. Today I got the results of a routine blood test and heard something I never expected. This is not how I expected to start the new year. I have ARV! How? Why? I'm married and live a good life. Joe is a wonderful husband and telling him was so hard. I show no signs and I think he is in a bit of denial. He thinks it is a mistake because he doesn't think I'm at risk. Unfortunately, Dr. Speer tells me I fit the profile all too well. Middle-aged.... God how I used to hate that term! Two kids. Married. She says there is no way to tell how I got it. All they know is that it doesn't appear to be 'airborne.'
But then I read things about it before I was diagnosed. Internet mainly. Drudge seems to have rejuvenated his career out of reporting on its victims and all the conspiracy theories. Some of it makes sense. That's what is so scary! Of course the government is blamed. Maybe rightfully so? BioWarfare. Lab mistakes. There are stories saying it's really airborne but there wasn't any way to stop it. That it is a curse. That it is a blessing. That God did it. The Devil did it. Aliens did it! At first people wanted ARV's quarantined but then the government quickly said 'No'. They said it wasn't contagious in that way and that they'd already isolated it. A cure was only days away. RIGHT! That quieted everyone. Even had people joking that they hoped they could 'catch it' and be cured at about 21! Nobody's laughing now! Especially not me! Originally I thought those internet rumors were bogus but I don't know now. It is fishy. I mean before I was diagnosed I would have said they were impossible but then how could I get it? I'm not around ARV people regularly. My family doesn't have any victims. But here I am starting my 'journal.' They say it is the first step in a long process.
Maybe it is a mistake! Please let it be a mistake! The doctor says it's not and I should expect the process to begin shortly. Most people don't get any advance warning. When the virus takes hold and the process begins is their first clue. Most think it is the flu or some other ailment. My finding out was a matter of luck. I've had no symptoms. Just a routine checkup and one of the lab technicians noticed the ARV in my blood test. I say it was a matter of luck with them finding it by accident but I'm not so sure luck played any role. I now I live in fear of the process beginning but with glimmers of hope that it will stay dormant or that the Drs. are wrong and it is all a big mistake. Really, all I can hope for is a cure. I still have time. Once it starts, everyday is going to be a little less time. Eventually my biggest hope will be to bounce at 4. 4! My youngest is 6! Barring a cure, Sara my youngest, will still be older than me! Shawna is 16. I'm 39 now and was dreading my 40th birthday. Now I'm wondering if I'll have to sit in a high-chair at my 40th birthday party. My birthday is not until next winter so the virus will likely have ran it's course by then. As anyone reading this can tell my thought process is a mess right now. A million thoughts race through my mind and worry is now a constant companion. I just can't concentrate on any one thing because there are so MANY things to worry about and plans to make.
Why they feel a journal is so important I don't know. When the doctor first told me and it all began to sink in I really thought of suicide. I've seen the ARV's. Even the ones that retain their adult faculties have to filter them through their young minds. Imagine being in diapers. No control over your body or life really. And I've seen the tantrums thrown by victims of AR. Most spouses have come to fear any kind of discussion or disagreement with their inflicted partner. Sometimes you can tell ARV's by the way they dress. Other times their eyes are a dead give away. I've read the stories and I'm sure I'll read more now. There are all types of mental as well as physical changes to deal with. I guess that's why the journal is so important to the medical community. They say the mental regression some experience might just be a way to cope. Others say it is the work of the virus on the mind and a cleansing so to speak. Others say it is both. And some don't seem to be affected in that way. Dr. Speer said a large portion simply adapt to their smaller bodies and are still fully functional as far as mental capabilities. In fact they encourage computers, books, and adult companionship. I know I'll keep up on my reading and do everything I can to stay focused. But really there is no way to avoid what happens with your emotions. Or so Dr. Speer says.
What a prognosis! Ending up 4 or younger with my own children older than me! My husband forced to care for another child! Losing control of my emotions! Diapers! NO! They say some people actually enjoy this but how could you enjoy sitting in a soiled diaper?
The Dr. said not to leave anything out of here if I felt it. What I really feel is suicide. Why not? If I regress too much aren't I as good as dead? My life won't be mine anymore. At least suicide gives me a chance to end it on my terms. Pills would be easy. Not painful anyway. At least I don't think so. Until today I'd never even considered suicide. Joe and I dreamed of growing old together but that's not going to happen now! But then I don't think I could really go through with it. I guess it's an option to consider. But even as an ARV victim I get to see my kids grow up ... get married ... have their own children. Maybe I can share a crib with my grandchildren? .... I thought that was funny but seeing it in print kinda drives it all home.
I guess telling the children will be the next big step for me. I don't know how they'll react. All I know is that today my life changed in a matter of moments. I guess not knowing until it struck might've been better really. Now every day will be worrying and wondering. How long it stays dormant isn't for sure. Every time they think they know that answer someone proves them wrong. Maybe I'll be the exception and it will never happen to me ... but realistically the longest discovery to regression onset period on record wasn't actually very long if you believe Drudge instead of the government propaganda. And even the government's claims aren't much! Why didn't they quarantine these people? Why wait? Why take chances? It seems the longer it goes on the less we really know. It's a far cry from the original hopeful stories that were first being reported.
I probably won't write every day. Hopefully I won't make another entry because I won't have to! Maybe I'll wake up from this nightmare. Maybe a cure has just been found.
Day 1 is done. I'm going to cry myself to sleep.
Well, waking up was interesting. I never considered it until that moment. The dread and fear was unbearable. I know the virus takes at least 41 weeks before you can bounce but for some reason I feared I would be a toddler .... or a baby this morning! Maybe it was the nightmares. I know in my head that it can't happen that fast but the fear of waking and seeing that I indeed have began the process scares me. The day the process begins is the day I must tell my children what is happening. I can put it off until then. Until that day I can have hope that I'll somehow be spared. As I sat up in bed I tried to collect my thoughts and began thinking about my family. I know my feelings toward Joe and my children won't change but what of their feelings toward me? When Joe said 'I do' no one had ever heard of ARV! And my girls ... will they still respect me? Will they obey? Will they accept me in a younger body? As much as I would like to try and sort those things out in my mind they only lead to more questions or worries. Things like picturing Shawna having to babysit ME! Changing MY diaper! And nothing I can do about it. If I regress that far I'll be like a prisoner in my own body. God, don't let that happen to me!
I still think that not knowing that this hell was in my veins until the process begins would have been better. Now I keep looking for signs that it has started yet on the other hand I don't want to know that it has started. Half of me wants to take down all the mirrors and then another half of me wants to put more up! There's so much to contemplate and I'm so tired.
Nothing much has changed except that I am leaning more toward making my final exit if this disease, or virus, or curse, or whatever begins to take over my body. Maybe it's this phase of unknowing but my future looks grim. If worrying can truly age a person then in these past couple of days I've added 10 years that the ARV will have to erase! I'm thinking more about suicide. It gives me something to focus on. So many answers all seem wrapped up in that one act. My fears would be slain in that moment. Still, until the moment that ARV truly attacks I have hope.
I now feel like I'm addicted to mirrors and my reflection. It is not vanity though. I just want to know that the process has taken hold.
Joe still won't talk to me about all this. This journal is the only place I can express my feelings. There are meetings for ARV's but I don't even want to consider that just yet. It would be like admitting defeat. Until ARV truly starts I am still firmly in control of my destiny.
I woke up with a stomach ache. God, I hope it is only a stomach ache and not the first sign that the virus has won! I've stared in the mirror for what seems like hours learning every line on my face. How does one know when they've slipped from 39 to 38? Is there really that big of a difference? I can close my eyes and still see my reflection. Every last detail of it. Those small lines have became my friends. I never thought I'd be saying THAT! My stomach ache has thankfully passed.
Joe is of no help. I know I'm neglecting my family more than I should but I'm not in a mood to be sociable right now.
It is evening now. My stomach ache returned. Still no guarantee that it is the virus. No guarantee that it is not. I'm having a hard time writing this as I sit at my dressing table constantly looking up at my reflection. I don't see any difference but every look sends shivers down my spine. I'm going to bed early tonight. Maybe this illness will pass. Please let it pass!
Diarrhea woke me. It is still dark out. I feel better now but was very ill for a while. I'm hoping I only had a 24 hour thing. Not Regression Virus related. The lights are dim so as not to wake Joe. I think he's still in denial. Tells me not to worry. How can I not? I can't see the damn mirror because of the light! I need more light but don't want Joe thinking I'm crazy! I don't know what I can expect to see. What is the first real sign? Not a symptom that could be coincidental but rather the real thing. What will I see? I'm going to go downstairs where I can stare at a mirror down there. Maybe it sounds crazy but I want to know!
I think I have my answer. Everyone is up now. My scream woke them. Yesterday I had a streak of gray in my hair. Now it is gone. My 'dishwater' blond locks are free of any loose gray strands. They were there yesterday. I remember. I memorized my reflection. A few days ago I would have pulled that gray hair out of my head faster than anything. But not after the Dr.'s news. Not anymore. That hair was like a trophy. Proof that ARV wasn't going to get me! I screamed and cried. I'll cry some more. It helps. Joe put the kids to bed. The bastard even went back to bed himself. Says I'm being paranoid. I'm NOT BEING PARANOID! I've had gray strands in my hair appear since I was 37. I can't find ANY now. God knows I've tried.
The sun is up high now. I haven't slept anymore. I called Dr. Speer as soon as her office opened and simply said 'second phase'. She understood. The kids are next to be told. I'll do it when they get home from school. Meanwhile I'll stare at this mirror. Even though I dread it I'll keep staring. Watching for changes. I've marked the calendar. One mark at January 6 and then another at October 19th. Oct 19th is 41 weeks. 41 weeks is the minimum time to bounce. Oct 19th! By fall the odds are I'll be a child. Now that it has begun there isn't much chance in science finding anything to slow or halt it. At least nothing to help me. Even if something did happen it would need weeks or months of testing before human trials. I know now I'll bounce at some point and stay that way for a while. If I'm lucky I could go into remission. But if I was lucky I wouldn't have ARV! Science is my only hope to ever see this reverse. Actually prayer is my only hope and science will only be the vehicle. I truly believe that. Unfortunately, I don't know when.
As I write this entry I am thinking of my suicide note. I don't think I'll tell anyone in the family of my plans. I'm afraid they'll try and talk me out of it. Maybe I'll hint at it but I won't tell them directly. After it is over maybe Joe will finally understand! I don't see how anyone reading my letter will be able to argue my decision. I'll die a fully functional and healthy adult. I'll go out on my terms. I'll not be reduced to depending on others. I won't be a burden on anyone. They'll be able to remember me as I am now. That is what I want. I still need to decide how. Pills seems the easiest and least violent. When I tell the kids of my ARV I will make sure to let them know how much I love them. It may be one of our last conversations. Tears are forming now so I'll end this entry in the journal. I'll continue after informing the children of my ARV.
It's evening now and I've told the girls. Sara seemed to not totally understand. Shawna understood. She'd had a teacher with ARV. Apparently her teacher was a lucky one and bounced when she turned 4. My God .... this is what it has come to! Hoping to end up as a 4 year old! At least being 4 would allow me a little dignity while I could wait for a cure. As I talked to the girls I could see them staring at me looking for signs of change. I think Shawna noticed something but she never said. I could just see it in her face. I'm sure the staring is something I'll need to get used to. Seeing their faces there is no way I can go through with the suicide. I really thought I could but they brought me back to reality. Everything is not about 'me'. As long as I'm alive there is hope for a cure. I can pray for a cure just as thousands of others are doing. And remission is always possible. Maybe with a good attitude it is even more likely.
My stomach is beginning to ache again. The Dr. says this will happen but will not be a constant throughout this ordeal.
The stomach ache and diarrhea passed quickly. I feel pretty good this evening.
I feel good this morning. The ARV doesn't appear to be in any rush. Maybe I'll be a lucky one who takes a lot of time to regress. If I'm a record setter maybe it'll take long enough so that a cure will be found before I'm little.
The girls again stared at my face obviously looking for changes. Joe did also. I think he is starting to believe. I wish he would talk with me about his feelings but he won't. I try to talk with him and get him to open up but he seems to get distant. I guess it is his defense mechanism ... ignore it and it'll go away he hopes.
Putting thoughts of suicide behind me has actually lifted my spirits a bit. At least it is a decision I can live with! The rate of ARV varies so it's hard to tell whether I've gotten any younger since the original episode. I did get out some old photo albums and yearbooks. If nothing else they'll give me some benchmarks to judge the regression.
I do feel a little warm right now and Dr. Speer said that is another one of the symptoms. The change seems so minor that I feel it must be a good sign that my ARV will work slowly and/or even go into remission. I'll maintain my positive attitude. I have to.
There was some discomfort last night and I think there again might be some very slight regression happening. Once again it is so minor that I'm not even sure that it is regression that I am noticing. Possibly just better rest.
I went shopping this afternoon. I didn't actually buy anything. In reality I mainly tried to spot ARV victims. They are a varied lot. Some extremely obvious and some I'm not so sure about. I did see an elderly woman pushing a stroller that seemed out of place. At first I thought that the stroller might contain her grandson but with a closer look I could tell by her conversation that the tot was her husband. Seeing that brought me back down a bit. He was very small. Drool ran from his mouth and I know he was in diapers. That is what I fear. On the other hand his spouse was obviously a loving woman and hadn't left him in his time of need. Thinking that way helps to balance things.
I did see a lot of clothing that I liked. I caught myself looking at younger styles. There is so much more to choose from in what is made for younger women.
My first meeting with other ARV's is today. I want to look my best. Dr. Speer said to just be myself and that all phases of ARV's would be at the meeting. I know they videotape these so I want to dress nicely. I feel well rested and fairly confident that my regression period is going to be a slow one.
Well the meeting was a bit depressing. The ARV's there were at various stages. One little boy turned out to be a real little boy. He was with his father who looked to be about 7. The real little boy had missed his bus and so his father had to bring him along. I doubt his son could have been more than 7 himself. In fact he was taller than his ARV'ed father.
Another young man who looked about 20 was in fact 30. There were a couple of early teenage looking girls who giggled a lot during the meeting. I was surprised to find out that they were both 37 and had became fast friends during these sessions. I would have guessed 15 at the most.
Dr. Speer talked of a euphoria phase. She warned about not making the highs too high or else the lows would be so much farther down. She said women especially are succeptible to this euphoria phase. Although my spirits have improved I think it is related to the fact that my regression is moving so slowly. Possibly already in an early remission stage or else slowing towards it.
I've studied so much lately that I really didn't learn too much new during the meeting. Whether I'll be a regular I haven't decided yet. Fortunately the meetings are optional. Dr. Speer did list me as a candidate for testing of some new drugs to hopefully retard the process. I'm not sure that I'm a good candidate considering my slow to non-existent regression at this point.
I still watch the mirror a little too much I guess. Dr Speer told me that the constant watching is not always the best way to note changes especially when they can be so subtle.
I haven't written for a few days because things have settled down. At least I thought they had. I thought I might be in full remission. Now I'm not so sure. I finally tore myself away from the mirror. The past few days have been really nice. The Florida weather has been great and I've felt fine. Of course with time going backwards I shouldn't expect too many problems. I've always been relatively healthy. I didn't think the ARV had done too much and I'm still not so sure.
I went shopping again and this time I made a few purchases. Nothing outrageous. A short but classy dress. Heels. Hose. I had my hair done. I have to admit I even checked out some younger styles while I was there. I also watched some of the younger people and noted what they wore. Things have changed since I was young! One positive .... I guess it is a positive thing I noted was my weight loss. I'm not sure how much of it is related to my seemingly continual dieting, the recurring sickness, or maybe even some regression itself but I can't say I mind it at all. Another positive factor is that what few varicose veins I had have all faded. In fact, if my tired legs had seen a little more sun in the past few years I might have been tempted to skip the pantyhose altogether!
Living in Florida sometimes I forget how lucky I am. I see the north snowed under on the news yet we've had sunshine and highs in the 70's. It's a great place for the kids also. I can wear shorts and a T-shirt all day without even thinking about it. Indoors or out. These people were bundled up in layers of clothing and it looked very uncomfortable. It all made me almost forget about my ARV for a while.
I still haven't gone back for a meeting. Not sure that there is a reason. I'm keeping a good attitude.
With the warm weather I've been wearing some lighter things and I must admit with the weight loss I've felt good about wearing these flirty things. Maybe that was why I received the attention I did. First, a group of construction workers stopped working as I walked by. They whistled. Really made fools of themselves. But, you know, it's kind of a compliment! When I was younger that sort of thing would happen a lot and it annoyed me some. Especially when they'd yell stuff. I mean some are older and out of shape and not my type usually but so what? I hadn't heard that kind of thing in a few years and I'd kind of missed it! The last time I remember it happening I was 32 or so. I guess it's a sign of aging when that fades, kind of like when cashiers and waiters started calling me Ma'm instead of Miss. As a matter of fact a young stud waiter also flirted with me rather obviously. Now maybe the clothing had something to do with it. My stomach is a lot firmer and my legs are toned and tanned. My skin is smoother and even my hair seems lighter. I've enjoyed grabbing a few new pieces for my wardrobe and dressing this improved body. I have to admit I looked pretty good in the skimpy sundress I was wearing. I probably shouldn't be into all this as much as I am but I kind of enjoy it. I now know this is all due to ARV but I can't really complain at this point! I don't think Joe thought buying new clothes was a good idea but I don't care. It helps me feel better about myself! Looking in the mirror and comparing my reflection to some old photos I would guess I am 33. Probably in better condition than I was originally at 33 but I'd still say 33.
Sara told me I was pretty. Shawna seemed funny with it all but I think that she was impressed actually and just not used to thinking of her mother as I am now. I hope this isn't a sign that the ARV isn't picking up speed! I don't think so. I can't let myself think about that!
I've decide to return to a meeting. Just to touch base. The regression is still really slow. I'm still looking for various signs. Shawna said my hair looked fuller. It does feel better. But then I've been eating very well lately. Watching my diet. I figure everything I do to keep myself healthy can only help me in my battle with ARV. My hair appears lighter too although that may be from the sun. I've been spending more time outdoors. Trying to stay active.
Being aware of the cameras recording the meeting I again wanted to dress nicely. I wore my hair up conservatively and wore another of my new dresses and matching heels. I skipped the pantyhose since my legs had gained some color in the past few days and look pretty good. Dr. Speer complimented me on my looks. I'm pretty happy with my looks right now.
The meeting had no new members. The members there had all regressed more than the last time I had attended.
The two girls were now nearly flat-chested. This was obviously a point of stress for them and they seemed to want to talk about it inordinately.
The 30 year old had slipped into his teens. A very handsome young man. He seemed comfortable with himself.
The youngest member had slipped to barely 5 years old in appearance. He was worried about bouncing. He hoped that it would come soon. I can understand. He was small. He talked with a lisp due to a missing tooth.
Dr. Speer again talked to me about the Euphoria phase. She said she believed I was getting caught up in it. I don't think so. She did tell me I was rejected as a candidate for drug testing. It doesn't matter though. I think I'll be OK actually.
I had a bad stomach ache last night followed by a headache. Diarrhea accompanied it all. I'm better now but I can tell I've slipped maybe a whole year more. Probably 31. A good age really. Especially from the point of view of a 39 year old! I examined myself in the shower and could tell my skin was softer and my muscles were more defined. My stomach is almost flat. How can I complain?
Happy Valentine's Day! The past couple of days were pretty good ones. The ARV seems to have slowed if not went into remission. Joe agrees that I don't look any younger than a few days ago. No illness at all. I still hold out hope that I'll go slow enough that a cure will be found before I'm too small. The stomach aches have went away completely. Energy is high. Sex drive also. Joe and I have made love the past few nights and it has been wonderful. I feel better about our bonds now. The girls have been great. Every once and a while they'll make a joke and then you can tell that they wonder if I was offended. Especially Shawna. Sometimes she'll make a joke about my having a pimple or something like that. I know she's joking and it doesn't bother me. If this is the euphoria that the Dr. spoke of, it could last forever and I wouldn't care!
Relapse. Nothing seemed to happen for days and now this. Woke up with major cramps. Diarrhea soon followed. Headache. Fever. This went on all day yesterday. A very bad day. I couldn't even write in this journal. By the time the kids got home from school they were greeted by a rather ill 29 year old ... me! A scar on my knee disappeared. It had been there since an accident water skiing. That was when I was 29 so I'm guessing by that and a few other clues that I am 29 now. My hair is definitely lighter and longer. Maybe even curlier. My shoulders are soft and round and actually my muscle tone is much better everywhere! Both girls could easily tell the difference. Sara again told me I was pretty. Shawna also complimented me although I think she realized for the first time how much could happen in a short time.
I've made a mark on the door and I've also got a chart with my weight written by it. My stomach is even flatter now. I guess I wasn't as firm as I thought before because I can really tell a difference now. I guess the years between 29 and 33 can wreak more havoc than I ever imagined. I'm actually impressed with my body although I feel funny saying that. I guess having my old self to compare it to is the difference. My legs, my rear end, my arms ... everything is so much better-toned now. I suppose my butt is a little bigger than it could be but I guess that'll change! My face is hardly showing any lines at all. A few but nothing deep at all. My skin is smooth. My eyes are clear. If it wasn't for my butt I'd be a babe! I actually wish I'd have another round of the ARV-induced diarrhea so that my butt would shrink a little. Not a lot ... just so I'd look 26..or 25!
Why the hell am I worrying about this stuff? ARV messes with your mind! How can a 39 year old woman not look at her reflection and see a 29 year old and not like it? How can she not wish to be even younger? But then I keep thinking that I AM going to get younger and if I hurry it I'll be in diapers rather than that skimpy bikini that I'm just dying to buy and wear at least one time in my life! What strange contradictions. I'm not so sure that if a way was found to stop this damn ARV right now that I wouldn't ask to wait a day or two before getting my dosage!
Obviously Joe liked the 'new me'. Last night was wonderful. Enough said! I probably lost another year last night. 27 and counting. I'm close to an age I'd choose to be if humans were allowed to pick such things yet I also realize I'm getting ever closer to childhood. I've lost 12 years. It all seems so fast! I can't imagine losing another 12 years! At 15 I'll be younger than Shawna. How will she react then? What about Joe? Will Sara still think of me as her mother or a babysitter? Lately the worrying seems to be increasing again. I worry and then I think how much better I feel and look and I smile. What's with that? I re-read my earlier journal entries and I realize what a ride this has been. I guess maybe the Dr. was right about the euphoria stage. I wish I would have asked what was next! I need to focus more on the positive and not so much on the negative. How can being a 27 year old babe be anything but a positive ... especially for a middle-aged 39 year old housewife? Maybe that sounds a little vain? I don't mean it that way but the mirror doesn't lie.
Something else I've been noticing: I seem to be getting more, for lack of a better word, 'passionate' about things. It doesn't matter what it is but I seem to get more involved, or wrapped up, into.... It's even hard to explain. Maybe it's nothing. I don't know.
Meeting #3 for me is today. I just realized that I am younger than Dr. Speer. She's around 29. I'm 26 at this point I'm guessing. I'm not sure how that will change the dynamic. I guess she's seen ARV's slip past her before but it's still strange for me. I've not actually grown younger than anyone in my circle just yet. So far I've stayed away from neighbors and extended family. I'm sure the neighbors have caught glimpses of me and it's no longer possible to hide the difference even from a distance. At least I don't think so. It probably doesn't help the way I've been dressing.
The meeting didn't go as expected. We have a new member. Dr. Speer has contracted ARV herself! She was already younger. Apparently she'd had the first episode of regression soon after the meeting I last attended. She didn't know until it struck supposedly. I thought that it was strange that she didn't have regular checkups for it. Maybe she did and it was just that fast for her. Or maybe she knew. She said she's continuing the meetings. She said it would be good for all of us to see how she is dealing with it. I'm not sure she is really as strong on the inside as she is showing on the outside. One thing is for sure and that is that she will understand! As for the other patients: The two girls were no longer teens. Maybe 10. The father who was himself a little boy didn't show up. Apparently his wife thought he would. He still hadn't bounced and wouldn't accept help from others even at his young age. The police were called and you could tell the Dr. feared the worst. Suicide rates, especially with male victims, is high. There have also been cases of child-napping in which case the child turned out to be an ARV victim. Things don't look good for him.
Dr. Speer looked to have regressed 5 years or so leaving her still younger than me.
Spring is here. I was hot all last night. I thought I'd die of perspiration. Nothing helped. I guess it is better than the cramps I've experienced but still sort of bothersome. A quick check of the mirror confirms I finally lost another year. I'm 25 I'd say. Joe wanted to have sex this morning. I told him no. I'm beginning to think he is only wanting to have sex with this young body and isn't wanting to make love with me. Funny, but there is a difference I believe! I still read the internet and check out a few forums. I've found quite a few ARV links and bookmarked them all. Unfortunately they don't get my hopes up. A few web sites spout good news but a check of the forums and real cases doesn't confirm the positive stories on the mainstream news sites. And no matter what I've ever read that sounded promising one week, the next week showed it had failed to live up to its hype. Every time!
It is 7PM and Joe hasn't come home. He left work at 5. I'm not sure what to think. Maybe reality has hit him and he needs some time to himself. Even so, it makes me mad that he didn't call. Lately, I've been a little jealous of his secretary anyway. She wears short skirts to work and is a bit of a tramp if you ask me! I used to deal with that better because I trusted Joe but lately I don't trust HER!
Just to cover him I told the kids he'd be working late and not to worry. Said he might even have to leave town. I should have told them he was a two-timing bastard!
Joe never came home. I told the kids he had to leave town for business. They accepted it. For now anyway! I hope his little tramp makes him happy. He'll deny it but she's wanted him from day one! I should have clawed the bitch's eyes out when he first tried to hire her!
I wonder if all this anger is the other side of euphoria that Dr. Speer told me about. Maybe I need to focus better. Anger isn't good I guess. I'm seething too much to focus right now!! I hope this doesn't bring on another round with ARV!
The kids seem fine with the new me. That is very cool.
I was originally prepared to write about how good I felt today. Then the cramps struck. I look 24 now. Or at least right around it. My face is definitely fresh and smooth. My hands look young. My voice is a bit clearer and youthful sounding. I sound like I'm bragging but I'm a 39 year old housewife. I thought this girl that I see in the mirror was gone forever. Now she's back and I like it! I can't help it. There's very little that this body couldn't wear and not look good in. It is like all my dreams that I'd forgotten are all back in reach.... again..... if only this ARV would pause long enough for a cure to be found. Please! Please! I don't want to lose this girl again!
Every night I am waking with these monster headaches and hot flashes. I don't think I'm losing any years though so maybe this is part of the slowing down process. I'd call Dr. Speer but she always brings me down. She's into bad news too much if you ask me. Of course maybe she's changed now that she's 'one of us!?'
Gee, I don't know what's up with this past week. Headaches and stuff at night and then this all at once! I'm 22 now. Happened after the kids went to school.
It's hard not to like the results though. That's kinda scary. I mean I've gotten younger again when I was hoping it would stop but I'm kinda digging the results. Stopping now would be much cooler than before actually. My butt looks good. That's what I'm sorta been going by now. My face is unlined but it's been that way a couple of days. My breasts seem to be firmer although they've been pretty firm for days.
Out of a bit of curiosity I tried on a pair of Shawna's shorts. They were tight but they fit! I actually buttoned them! I put on one if her little tops and it fit also. A little snug but not overly so. Once again I'm having those conflicting feelings. On one hand I'm happy to be so trim and stuff while on the other I realize I've got even less adult time left. I stood in Shawna's outfit and pulled my hair up in a ponytail. The mirror doesn't lie. I can see what is coming. I'll be cute.... and young. I even see a bit of Shawna in me that I never noticed before. Others had mentioned it but I never really saw it until now.
I'm feeling a bit frisky so I might keep these on a while. I haven't bought anything like this. Well, just yet anyway! I bet I could turn some heads!
I just got home from another shopping trip. I wore my hair back in a ponytail and no makeup. It made me feel even younger. I felt so bouncy. I know Shawna's stuff was a little tight but it was sexy and naughty! I dug it. I wanted to see how people reacted to me. I even got called 'Miss' in the stores!
I don't know what has come over me. My palms are actually sweating and I'm kind of turning myself on thinking of what I'm about to do. I bought that bikini that I'd had my eye on! I know it's this youth of mine that's making me feel this way but I can't wait to put it on and walk outside. I just want people to see a peek of the new me! But I don't want the kids seeing me doing this! They'll think I've freaked or something.
This feels so naughty! The bottom is a thong. I know I'd never wear something like this before but now I'm getting off on it. I need to work on my tan back there! I almost feel like an exhibitionist or something. I'm going to walk to the mailbox at the street wearing it. Then I'll go out back. I won't look at anyone or say anything. Just walk to the sidewalk and check the mail and then turn right back around. I hope the geezer across the street has new batteries in his pacemaker. And I hope his nosy wife gets a look too!
I got in just in time to get changed out of my suit before the kids got in. Might've gotten a little burnt too. Kids? I'm just realizing I'm barely older than Shawna!
I've been laying out and wearing my thong a lot. I've gotten over some of the freaky thoughts I was having about it. I'm pretty comfortable wearing it now. At least around the yard and stuff. I wouldn't wear something like that at a beach or anything. I bought another bikini for that! I'm a little skinnier than before. I've got Shawna's shorts and stuff on again and now they fit even better.
Right now I have a headache coming on. As I type it is getting worse. Quickly getting worse. I'm beginning to feel hot again. Worse than before.
The headache is fading now. I've been out for hours. I woke up on Shawna's bed. I couldn't even muster the strength to take off her clothes before passing out on her bed. I could pass for a college girl now. 21. Actually, I doubt I could buy a drink without getting carded. Shawna's clothes fit me even better now. My butt is positively little now. Firm and round. My legs are sexy and young. Shawna's clothes are still tight on me but now it is a sexy type fit. I imagine Joe would love to see me now! Actually I'm sure 'seeing' me isn't what he'd love to do. Truthfully, if he was here right now I could use him. I need someone to hold me and tell me everything is OK. I feel so vulnerable!
I'm sure the ARV is messing with my mind. Everything is wrong. I shouldn't be thinking about how sexy I look but I can't help it. I like what the ARV has done to me. Dr. Speer said some ARV's do like it. If it would stop now it would be really cool!
Sara and Shawna saw me and couldn't believe it. I wonder what Shawna thought when she saw me wearing her stuff. She never said anything but she had to freak a little! She did say she saw a zit but I think she was just kidding . As soon as I type this I'm going to check though.
This week has been different. It is really neat being 21 again. What a trip! Shawna is cool with me wearing her stuff. That's cool cause my stuff mostly sucks anyway. She's got a way cool closet full of shoes and clothes that blow mine away!
Joe left a message telling me to call him at work when I grow up! Whatever! I miss him kind of, but I'm not playing games with him. He said on the message he could handle the ARV physically but I needed to think like an adult. I guess he figured I'm the one that keyed the car of that little tramp secretary of his!
I've been stuck at around 21 for a while now. COOL!!!!
Can't wait for the meeting today to show off to Miss Pessimist! I'm gonna wear one of Shawna's dresses. It's nothing fancy, just a sun dress but it looks pretty good on my new and improved body. I'm wearing my hair down all the time now.
The meeting was even more different. The one little boy that was missing has been found. He'd had an episode and finally bounced at less than a year I think. They say he has a hard time talking now because he's so little and stuff.
Speaking of little, Dr. Speer had better be picking out pacifiers because she is getting younger fast! 17 or maybe even 16 which is pretty fast but then she only was 30 or so to begin with. It was funny watching her talk. She kept clicking her bubblegum and twirling her hair around her finger. Her hair was really wild looking. She'd tried to keep it up but it was obvious that she'd been wearing it down and long. She loosely had it tied up but strands kept falling in front of her eyes. She also still wore here regular Dr. clothes. Her shoe dangled on her foot as she bounced it up and down. Everything was too big! I wanted to laugh but that would've been rude. It was funny watching her have to keep pushing her glasses back up as they slid down her nose. I doubt she even needed them anyway!
The one boy that was really like a 30 year old had a woody. He was a young teen now. Kind of gangly with peach fuzz. He seemed embarrassed about his woody and I think he knew that Dr. Speer and I both could tell. He kept squirming and trying to sit funny to hide it. I think being around the teenaged Dr. Speer and me in my 21 year old body was a little much for him. I couldn't help dropping my pencil and bending over in front of him to give him a peek down the front of my dress. Dr. Speer giggled when I did it so she knew what was up.
The two young girls looked to be about 6 or 7. They wanted to talk about bouncing but Dr. Speer seemed in a hurry to leave.
They seemed impressed that I said I hadn't regressed in days. Everyone except Dr. Speer. But she's a teenager now, what does she know!?
I'm glad to be back home because I feel another headache coming on. The cramps have returned too!
So much for remission.
Goodbye Miss America...hello Miss Teen USA! 20 today...probably! I hope! 19? 20? What's the difference? No way I could get a drink with my ID even if I wanted to. I'm pretty sure I'm not a teen just yet but I'm for sure getting closer. I'm skinnier but still look really cool. No problem with the way I look. I had a headache last night. I'm going to have to wear something of Shawna's today. No way any of my stuff is going to cut it!
Sara seemed to like the way I looked this morning. Shawna said I was getting to be a hottie! That's cool! I bet she never thought she call her mom a 'hottie!' She said she thought I looked like I was in high school but we got out my geeky senior picture and decided I looked a little older. Well, she never really totally agreed but we split the difference and said I looked 19. I thought it would be freaky whenever I hit my teens again but I kind of like it. At least right now is really cool. 'Course I'm not sure I'm not at least more like 20 or so. Shawna picked out an outfit for me. She's got a neat fashion sense. Some ARV's try to dress their real age and others try to fit in. Right now I just like dressing in neat stuff! Shawna loaned me some nail polish and makeup. Her's is much cooler than mine. I'm gonna check the net. Maybe they'll be waiting with a cure this morning? NOT! Oh well.... I wonder how Dr. Speer is getting along?
If I wasn't a teen before I am now! I just woke up on the bathroom floor. The floor is gross because the carpet is soaked in sweat. I'm not sure what that is all about! I'm maybe another year younger so I'd say 19. Shawna's gonna say 18 I bet. At least I'm still an adult! My boobs sure are perky!
Joe is sleeping on the couch. I don't know when he got in. He looks so old. I wanna wake him up but I better not. I wonder if he'll still like me like this? I've missed him!
Joe woke up and we made love. He said I was really tight. I giggled and said not bad for a 39 year old! I didn't want to giggle but I couldn't help myself. We spent the rest of the night in our bed. I snuggled up close to him.
I felt really good when I got up.
Shawna told me I have a zit and this time she wasn't kidding! It's gross! She told me it wasn't that bad but it's not right. It's not like I don't have enough to worry about with ARV and then to have a mondo zit happening? Geesh! Shawna says I look a lot more like my senior picture. I think it's geeky but she's gonna help me with my makeup and stuff later today. I've asked her to call me Melissa or even Missy now. Being called mom feels like totally weird!
Sara is acting different around me. She doesn't seem to listen to me when I want her to do something. I'm going to tell Joe.
I spent the morning wearing only one of Joe's shirts. I like the way it reminds me of him. When he got up he gave me a smack on the butt. He's cool even if he is kinda older! I think he likes my butt! :-) He said he'd talk to Sara.
He kissed me before he left the house. I'm glad he likes me.
Shawna gave me the full treatment. She's really cool. She did my nails and my hair. Then she helped me put together an outfit. I used to think I had like a good fashion sense but she's got the greatest. She promised to make me a hottie. She said we're like sisters now. That's like totally cool because I never had a sister. I know I'm still her mom and stuff but that doesn't mean I have to be all snooty like. She did a good job of hiding that gnarly zit with a little coverup and my hair covers it too. My hair is pretty long and Shawna says she wishes her hair was like mine! When she got done she pulled me over by her and we stared in the mirror and laughed. We really did look like sisters! We both had on some really cool sandals with faded cut-offs and little short tops. I can't believe how flat my tummy is now. I can remember a time when my tummy never got to see the light of day but now it's like way cool to wear stuff like this. We've both got pretty good tans too! Boys will really dig us! Shawna is the coolest!
Today was really neat. Shawna and I went to the mall and guys kept hitting on us. Some of them were really cute too! One boy asked me out and I was going to tell him 'no' but he was too cute so I said 'maybe.'
I started to get one of my headaches again so we exchanged numbers and left for home. I know I shouldn't have gave him my number but he was really cute!!!! :-)
Joe was waiting on us when we got home. I guess we stayed out past Shawna's curfew but it's not like she was out by herself! She was with me! He's just being stupid! He tried to make a move on me but I'm starting to think he's like a real horn-dog. He's kinda old anyway. Leo, the boy at the mall, is so much cuter! I might break up with Joe!
Joe came up to Shawna's room and started arguing with me there. That was sooooooooo uncool! Joe said he's leaving and that's like super cool with me. Good riddance! I'd already decided to break up anyway! I can't wait for Leo to call! :-)
This is the first weekend of summer break from school. Well, I know I'm not getting summer break but I have the same feelings. I thought of Leo all night long. I'm glad Joe's history. We just weren't right anyway. Leo is much better for me. If Leo calls this will be the best summer of my life!
Leo called and we went out. At first Shawna acted kinda funny about it but later she said it was cool. I think she thought Joe and I made a cute couple or something but we didn't! He needs someone his own age! He's too bossy anyway!! :-(
Leo was really nice. He opened the door for me and everything. We ate at McDonald's and then went to a movie. He knew the guy at the ticket counter so we got in to see an R rated movie without showing our ID's. He held my hand and was really sweet. He gave me a nice kiss when he dropped me off. He was a gentleman. That's something that Joe's not!
I just wanted to dream about Leo. I hope ARV doesn't strike again. I'm at the coolest age! I'm afraid Leo won't like me if he finds out! Maybe I'm not being realistic. Maybe he'd understand. But he's such a cutie I don't wanna scare him off!
I had a bunch of entries about Leo but I decided to tear them all out cause they all said the same thing. I really like Leo. He's only called a couple of times but he's been really cool when we talk and I think he's just going slow. At least he's still calling. I hug my pillow every night thinking of him. I can see myself marrying him if this ARV stuff works out. He has a part time job so he doesn't have a lot of free time this summer :-(
We'll just have to make it all count! :-)
Sara is positively impossible. She's always bothering me and Shawna. I don't know what is wrong with her but she's gonna hafta get over it or else I'm gonna let her have it. Joe can come get her for all I care. When Leo and I get married I don't think I wanna have kids anyway. Leo's asked me out for this weekend. He got fired at his job cause his boss was lame so he's got more time now. I'm happy !!! :-)
Our date went really well. Leo already asked me out again. He's so sweet. I hope he knows how much I like him but guys are funny about that stuff. I don't want him to think I'm a pyscho-chick. We kissed and it was really special. We're officially dating now! :-)
Damn ARV! My boobs are smaller! I bet Leo won't like that! We talked for hours last night and he's just a dreamboat kinda guy. I don't wanna lose him. I don't know whether I'm a year younger or a few months younger. I know I'm shorter by a little bit and skinnier. I thought the ARV was gonna be in remission after yesterday but maybe it will start today instead. Shawna says she thinks I'm 16. That's cool though cause we're like sisters anyway and now we could be like twins or something since we're the same age! :-)
I really like wearing all Shawana's cute outfits plus I have a few new things of my own that are really cool although they're kinda already like a little big now.
Sara is being bratty now. I don't care. I can ignore. She's been getting worse since Joe left. She'll just have to get over it. So will Joe. He called this morning but I wouldn't talk to him! Leo called too. He already asked me to Prom! YES! He likes me! He thinks I'm a junior. Now if this ARV would go into remission! Please! I don't think high school would be too bad again. I'd be with Leo every day. I could hang with Shawna so it's not like I'd be a total loner geekazoid or something! I'd like to try out for cheerleader. Last year, my sophomore year, I got beat out by little Suzi Miss Popular! But I think I could totally nail it now!
Leo's been talking about going all the way. Before this last ARV attack I was ready to give in as long as he had a thing on for protection but now I'm not so sure. I kinda don't know if I know how anymore and I'm scared. I mean I should like know how but I'm out of practice or something. I want it to be right.
We're going out again tonight. I hope this headache goes away! I'm gonna touch his 'thing' tonight! I'm gonna let him touch my boobs. I want him to know how much I care about him! I hope he doesn't think I'm a tease! I'm just not ready to go all the way. I want it to be special.
It's 1AM. I've been crying for the last hour. I'm such a loser! This damn ARV!!!!! Why?????? Everything was like great and then just as I unzipped Leo's pants the ARV hit me! I had to go right in the weeds! I was soooooooooooo embarrassed. And when he saw me he knew what was up. He started yelling and calling me a bitch! My boobs shrank and I got shorter. My clothes got all baggy and stuff. Enough he could tell I had ARV! This is like totally unfair! Why???? Why me????? If he would've just waited maybe this ARV would've gone into remission. He's not that old. Even if I was 14 or even like 13 it would only be a few short years between us! I think he was one of those stupid people that think all ARV's should be locked up. He's gonna be sorry when I'm a cheerleader next year and all the boys wanna date me!
Shawna said it was for the better. I bet she wants him for herself! She acted all sorry and nice and stuff but I bet she's just sneaking behind my back.
This sucks. Even Shawna's stuff is too big for me now. Her shoes slip on me and everything's all baggy! I wanna get some new stuff but she doesn't think it's a good idea for some reason! Like she's in charge! As if!
I'm guessing I'm 15 now. My boobs like even got a little smaller this last time and I even see a little zit outbreak coming on. GROSS! God, now I'm going to be a Clearisil junkie! It's not fair! I guess Leo is gone for good. Shawna wants me to call Joe and see if he'll come back but there's no way! I was thinking about breaking up with Joe before I even met Leo anyway. At least I'm old enough I can find another boyfriend.
Shawna's stuff is all too big like. I can wear it but it could fit better. I'm always like tugging on stuff and my sneakers need tied really tight to keep them from slipping too bad.
I'm not as mad as I was at Shawna. I think Leo was just a jerk! I think this ARV just had me wigged or something and I couldn't see how Leo really was.
I never thought I'd have to mess with zits again but thanks to ARV I do! I borrowed Shawna's bra this morning and I had to stuff it with toilet paper. Her shoes are like two sizes too big on me so I can't even tie them tight enough now. Shawna got in a box up in the attic and found some old stuff that fits better but it is so old style like. Things could be worse I guess. I haven't been sick lately.
I wanted to buy some new stuff the other day but Shawna wouldn't let me. That stuff in the attic was put up for a reason! She says it's too little for her but I think it's cause it's so ugly and blah!
She can't tell me what to do though! I'm going shopping today and get some stuff that fits. I don't care what Shawna says, I'm not going around here barefoot and wearing her old faded out of style hand-me-down rags anymore. She's says it's like a waste of money to be buying stuff right now but I think she's just like getting back at me or something.
Another meeting. Things sure have changed! The two girls aren't here anymore. I think they bounced. The one boy is about 6 now. That's all that's left in our group. Dr. Speer is still in charge. I'm the oldest one here and she's the one in charge! She says she thinks I've regressed mentally more than her! RIGHT! Escape mechanism or something! She's about 30 going on 10 I'd say. At least I'm still a teenager. She told me with a chest like mine I won't be a teenager for long! She's bein' snotty! I'd like to spank her if I could and show her. I told her she was just being a brat and she stuck her tongue out at me! So I stuck mine out at her right back!!!! She finally apologized and said she didn't mean it. She really looked funny sitting there pretending she was still a Dr.. She had on some scrubs or whatever they call them but just the top part. Her feet barely touched the floor.
Cramps again. Diarrhea again too!
Darn! None of my clothes fit again. They're all real baggy and too long. All the stuff I just bought is already too big ! ARV sux!
Sara's being nicer to me. I'm not sure why. Shawna is acting all funny and stuff. Guess I'm not good enough for her anymore. I don't care. She can just be that way. Shawna doesn't wanna help me look pretty anymore. Says she can't! ?????? Her boobies may be bigger but I got prettier hair! I guess Shawna didn't wanna be my sister after all. That kind of hurts my feelings because I really thought we made a cool team. She's acting all bossy now. She's even started washing clothes and cooking food for us and won't even let me. I don't know why! The fire wasn't even my fault. I didn't know that you couldn't put those one pans on the stove!
Sara is being even nicer now. I'm glad. She was bratty. My boobies are pretty much gone after my last round of ARV. Shawna looks at me funny sometimes. I wish she'd quit it. I know I'm a bunch shorter. I checked the markings out plus everything looks taller to me too. Shawna was right about buying all those new clothes. None of them fit now. Shawna got me some more of her old stuff that was in the big box in the attic. They're kinda faded but at least they fit OK. After spending all that money on clothes I'm back to wearing old hand-me-downs and going barefoot. I guess it don't matter cause I won't be going anywhere like this much. Shawna looked at my old photo album and said I was 11 now. Yech! I can't date or nothing now! :-(
I've been playing by myself a bunch lately. Shawna doesn't act like she wants to have any fun and Sara wants to mess with stuff I don't care about. Mostly I just swing on the swingset all day and watch the birds and stuff. Sometimes I go to the park but I don't know any of the other kids so I stay by myself a bunch. Shawna is going out with her old friends again. There's not much else to do. Shawna cooks and cleans and she hogs the TV. Boy, I know how the middle kid feels!
I looked at my last mark on the door and I'm even shorter. I don't wanna be the middle kid! I don't want this sucky old ARV to leave me stuck in the middle!
Being the middle kid sure sucks! Shawna wants to be all bossy and stuff and Sara gets all the attention. It makes me mad Shawna won't let me do stuff like I want to. She hid the car keys. I don't like driving anymore anyway cause I don't reach the pedals so good but it still makes me mad. She tells me to quit pouting. I used to drive real good. Some of Sara's stuff looks fun but I know I'm too big to mess with stuff like that.
Shawna did my hair up in pigtails. I told her not to but she did it anyway. It looks OK tho.
My tummy and my head still hurt sometimes. Shawna makes it better sometimes by rubbing my tummy. I don't know why I still keep this book thing. I don't write in it much anymore. Sometimes I'd rather play instead of mess with it. Its got pretty boring. Tomorrow is the meeting again. I bet Dr Speer is little now! I miss Shawna making me all pretty. She says she will again sometime but she never does. Now I have to wear Sara's clothes. It's funny cause even tho I am older I am about the same size. Her shoes don't slip and fall off me like Shawna's did either. I quit making marks on the door cause I know I'm littler. I used to think ARV was really scary but I'm not as scared no more.
Me and Sara stay together more now. I'm happy. We go to the park sometimes. Shawna comes with us so to watch Sara. I told her I could watch Sara but she says she wants to come too so we don't get to go a bunch or nothing. I'm not so lonely anymore now that me and Sara do more stuff. We have fun even here at home.
I'm pretty sleepy. I can't stay up as late as I used to. My tummy hurts anyway.
I wanted to see the Dr. Shawna took me to Tinas. Tina is the drs name. She was pretty little and wore funny clothes that were all great big. She had one of those scope things that Drs use to listen to your heart hanging around her neck to look important or something. She didn't have any shoes cause she said she couldn't tie them anymore like me. I laffed at her but didn't tell her Shawna ties mine for me. When I got there she was sitting in her big chair trying to look at some papers. I think she was only pretendin. She said she liked doing grownup stuff still. We're the last two in the group who ain't bounced. Tina wanted to talk about grownup stuff but it was boring to me. I told her it was boring and she said we hadda do it. I told her I didn't hafta cause she wasn't the boss of me. I turned on the TV and Barney was on. Barneys fun. When Shawna come to get me me and Tina were singing with Barney and having lots of fun. Shawna got me a Barney tape just like it for home. I watched it 5 times. Sara told me that we would be better sisters than Shawna and me. I don't miss bein a grownup cause Barney is fun and Sara likes him too I think. I dont wanna get no littler I don't think tho.
Sara and me played with her dollhouse when we got up and then we watched cartoons the whole day until I got a tummy ache. Shawna rubbed it and made it better. She's helping me spell the words here now. I keep messing them up.
Mom, doesn't seem to be able or doesn't want to write in her journal any longer. I think she is getting close to bouncing. Judging by her size and actions I'd say she couldn't be more than barely 5, if that. Probably only 4. ............Shawna
Mom is having bad diarrhea today. I know this is the day that she hoped she would bounce. Dad said not to call him at the motel until she bounces. She's such a little girl now. Four years old at most I would say. Her speech is a little garbled and she is having trouble with big words. She's awfully sick. .....I hope she bounces soon....Shawna
I've called dad. Mom bounced. She looks around 2 years old. It's been pretty strange for the better part of 2 months watching her grow younger. It was very different and finally difficult. I can't believe how much we really were alike when she reached her teens. I really did think of her more as a sister than a mom at that point.
She can talk some now although I'm not sure how much she really remembers. She seems pretty content. Maybe she is just happy not to be sick anymore and that it is all over. Right now she's running aimlessly in a circle as best a 2 year old can and laughing the whole time. The news today talked about some breakthroughs. I hope Mom's still in there when they find a cure.......... Shawna