Out of Body Experince



Well I never thought that I would ever get to experience what I am going through right now. There was never even the remotest possibility that I could ever be in the situation that you see me in today as I grew up with all the dreams of a typically healthy young man.

My junior years consisted almost entirely of me wanting to be the best footballer on the planet and my teenage years of wanting to be the worlds hottest rock star. I wanted to be lusted after by young girls, idolised by young males - I wanted it all as I practised into my mirror with a tennis racquet acting as a psuedo guitar.

Two things prevented me from realising these dreams; the first was that I was an absolutely abysmal sportsman, the second was that I was completely tone deaf!

Neither of these facts altered the talents that I kept so well hidden from the world, hidden within the realms of my fantasies. In my own mind I would see myself running with the ball to clinch that vital touchdown, clinching victory in the last few seconds. To that inner realm within my deeper self I would feel my fingers flying across the frets as I completed the last few bars of the killer solo in my phenomenally successful cover version of Led Zeppelin's 'The Immigrant Song'.

The lack of achieving these childhood ambitions did not stunt my personal development though, as I matured through my late teens and moved into my early twenties with all the pragmatic enthusiasm of one of life's great optimists.

I know that all this would be hard for you to believe, when you see me today like this, but you must understand that it's not like I'm complaining or anything. I would not trade this moment that we're sharing for anything that I've either dreamed of or experienced, even though the personal cost has been high - both to me and to my family. It's just that I have a real, and overwhelming, need to share the secret that I have kept to myself for so many years. I need to open up my heart to those who will always trust me, and who will never doubt my feelings for them. That can only be you!

You just lay there while I indulge myself, and I'll tell you everything about how I got to be in this situation. This is a once, and once only, opportunity as I will never tell another living soul what I am about to tell you now.

First of all I need to tell you a little bit more about myself, it will help you to understand how I became what I am.

I was christened Howard James Cooper in November nineteen-seventy three; the only child of my mother Mary, and my dear departed father, George Cooper. For as long as I can remember I had always felt I was a little different from other children although I didn't quite understand why. From a very early age my parents would find me talking to people that others couldn't see, hear me describing extremely vivid dreams and, many times, how I had travelled above myself and seen my own body from the top of the ceiling. I had even told them that I had drifted through the walls in this house, and had seen them sleeping in their own bed.

Understandably, they didn't like this one little bit and discouraged me from talking about it to anyone for my own protection; no one else would be likely to understand what I had told them they said, hell - I don't think they really understood themselves!

As I got older I realised that I possessed strong psychic capabilities and learned, mainly through trial and error, how to control them. First and foremost I found that I could see, and talk, to people whom had passed onto the next world. These visits were so real to me that it took me a while to realise that they were actually the spirits of those departed, and I never seemed to question what they were doing here in my room but they held no fear for me. Another possible gift I had experienced was that of second sight. On many occasions I had been able to predict, or make an uncannily accurate guess, about the outcome of a minor event but I had never attempted to pursue this, not being convinced that this was anything more than co- incidence and this was something that genuinely scared me!

Of one thing though, I had no doubt whatsoever. This was the ability I had to project my astral self outside of my body. Whenever I did this I would feel the most incredible sensation of freedom, it was almost akin to flying, and it started to become an integral part of my life.

These experiences continued throughout my adolescent, and high school, years - through the meeting and courting of my future wife, and right through the painful experience of losing my father. He had died from a rare form of leukaemia and the speed with which he had deteriorated had shocked us all and had left a lasting impression on me as to how very tenuous our hold on our mortal existence is. I took great comfort though, from his visit to me just two days later as his spirit re-assured me that he was well, and that he was looking forward to when we could all be re-united as God dictated. That experience would stand me in great stead as I was presented with the sternest test of my faith, in the years to come.

Apart from my ability to commune with those departed, my gifts also allowed me to enjoy some unimaginable and wonderful experiences that enriched my life considerably. Included amongst these were the times when I entered another person's body, and this I did on a number of occasions. I never kept this up though, as each time I had performed this act I had felt a little soiled - a bit like a voyeur or some kind of interloper. Each time that I had tried to join with another, the host had become aware of my presence very quickly, but I had never stayed long enough for them to pin down exactly who, or what, I may have been. Moreover, I had never tried this with a girl!

Never, that is, until I tried it with my wife. That was a night I will always remember for both good and bad reasons.

We were both very young when we had married, but we were in love and were devoted to each other so what the hell - why wait anyway! Our love making was always an intense and passionate occasion and I can vividly remember, one night, wishing I knew how she felt when I was inside of her - wishing I could experience what a woman feels like when she is making love with someone that she truly loved.

It was at this point, when I could feel Louise approaching a climax, that I completely lost control of myself, wishing that I could share her moment of ecstasy, when it happened. Without consciously trying to, I found myself joining with my wife as she started to climax and I experienced some of the most incredible sensations that I had ever known. She was completely unaware of my presence, confusing it with her heightened emotions, and only realised that something was not how it should have been when she started to recover from her orgasm and noticed that my body was a total dead weight on top of her.

It completely freaked her out and her scream, I think she thought I had died, soon brought me back to reality and I returned to my body. Well, at that point I had to explain everything about what I could do and all about my abilities. It had scared the hell out of her and she didn't take it at all well, telling me that she would leave me if I ever tried to do anything like that with her again.

That had been the only really low point in our relationship and I determined I was never going to put our marriage at risk again. Of course, I would never stop myself from enjoying my OBE's - that was just as much a part of me as living or breathing - but I resolved never, again, to try and join with another person's body in this way.

I had stuck to that resolution and was never, ever, tempted to repeat that experience, that was until the point of the accident, the accident that I am now going to tell you all about!

* * * * * * * * * * *

It all started one night as I was driving my son Jerry, ten, and my daughter Elizabeth, twelve, back home following a short holiday break that they had spent, staying at my brother-in-law's. It was just a brief stay, a little time to allow me to share a bit of space alone with my wife Louise.

Don't get me wrong, it's not like we wanted the children out of our lives or anything like that, not for too long anyway - on the contrary we are a very close and loving family! It was just that we had spent no real 'quality' time together for more than twelve years now and we just wanted to court each other again, indulge in a little romance, we wanted to feel fresh and fifteen rather than the stale thirty-five year olds that we were!

It had been a bit of a culture shock at first, and we had almost forgotten how to act when we were alone together. We soon got back into the rhythm though. We had eaten out, made out, and generally done whatever we had wanted to for four whole days but now we were missing the children. It was time for them to come back, to have them throwing our lives into chaos once again and to bring us screaming back into the real world again.

I set off from our Manhatten Beach home to pick them up from Louise's brother Jake, who lived just outside Victorville with his wife Lynn, on the other side of the San Bernadino Mountains. Louise didn't come with me - she had decided that she would stay at home and use the time to catch up with some of the housework that she had been ignoring whilst we had been taking every opportunity to enjoy our temporary freedom.

It had taken just over an hour and a half to get there, the roads were unusually quiet for a Saturday afternoon, and just two hours after arriving I was driving back on the Interstate 15, having given my thanks to Jake. We carried on down this route for about fifteen minutes when Elizabeth piped up, "Daddy, daddy - I need to go to the bathroom".

Oh brother, wasn't this just typical! I had told her to go before we had left Jake's house but she had said she didn't want to at the time. It was just then that I saw the sign for the next exit and decided to head off of the highway and to see if there was a gas station available somewhere. Maybe I could get them something to drink at the same time!

We found a gas station and Lizzy performed her ablutions before we headed back towards the highway. It was starting to get dark now and things looked a little different in the half-light of early evening.

Somehow, I must have taken a wrong turn. Although I could see the lights from the highway in the distance, I seemed to be taking us along a quiet road that was running parallel with it.

It was at that point that our lives changed forever!

I was turning the car into a sharp corner when I felt the nearside tyre suffer a blow-out. I struggled to keep control of the car but I could feel it slipping away from me as we headed towards the opposite side of the road and careered, amidst much screaming and yelling from the children, ten feet down a small embankment that ran alongside the road.

Things went very quiet for a moment and my only thought, at this time, was for my children. I felt relief as I heard Jerry saying to Lizzy, "Are you alright Liz?" and even more relief when she replied "Ye .. yes - I think so" and then she started crying and calling out for 'Dad'.

I felt a huge sense of relief for a moment, at least they were alive and seemed to be okay!

Jerry joined in the call for me, telling me that he seemed to be stuck beneath something and I tried to turn around and answer but found that I couldn't move or say anything. My voice didn't seem to want to respond to my thoughts and I started to take a little more notice of my own predicament!

I could feel an intense pain coming from around my neck and down my back, and I realised that I might even have had a broken neck or back. I needed help and I needed it fast. I also became aware of the nauseating aroma of gasoline and started to become scared that there might be the possibility of an explosion and that the children needed to get out of here quickly.

All of these thoughts ran through my mind in just a few brief seconds as I noted that I could still hear the occasional car passing by on the main road overhead. I considered our options. Jerry was trapped underneath something, and I seemed to be paralysed. The only one who could possibly get any help was Lizzy and, by now, she was having an uncontrollable fit of hysterics. She also didn't know how to unlock the central locking system, that had been one of the main selling points of this vehicle when I had chosen this model. The safety aspect of it had been so important when I bought it, could this now prove to be our undoing?

Somehow I had to make Lizzy understand how to unlock the car door and get her to scramble up the embankment and get help before we all died.

Time was limited, I had to act fast and I knew what I had to do. Despite all of this noise, and the chaos around me, I knew that there was only one way to get through to her. I started to block out the outside world and eventually managed to send myself into a trance like state and I soon felt the familiar sensation of floating, and the separating of my soul from my body. On every occasion I had performed this feat it had felt like a true liberation of my spirit - it certainly didn't feel like liberation this time though, this was literally a matter of life and death!

I managed to compose myself and gradually drifted towards my daughters crying form and I felt myself ease into her very being as we fused, and became one; my very soul integrating with hers.

The sensation, this time, was like nothing I had ever felt before. On previous occasions I had entered either a peaceful or a distracted body, this was a totally different experience. Lizzy's mind was in turmoil and she was in a total state of panic as I found myself looking at my own unconscious and twisted form, through her eyes.

I could feel every one of her fears and her palpable sense of anxiety, and I was very nearly lost in the maelstrom of her emotions before I managed to pull myself together and focused on trying to get my thoughts through to her. As I concentrated on communicating my thoughts, I could feel the first sense of awareness within her; the realisation that something else was thinking things inside of her head. Despite her confusion she managed to pick out enough of the thoughts that I was trying to project to her to reach across my body, take out the ignition keys and press the reset button, which freed up the locks.

Within seconds Lizzy had managed to push her door open and was starting to climb up the embankment where I was willing her to go. I could feel everything that she felt, see everything that she saw and could hear everything that she heard as I felt my, or her, fingers digging into the grassy bank. I was amazed that I could have felt so detached from what was happening but I was becoming very aware of a complete set of new sensations. I hadn't realised how dulled my senses had become over the years, too many joints and too many beers maybe, but I was overwhelmed by the smell of the crushed grass and the disturbed soil as my, no Lizzy's, body clambered up the embankment. The other sensation that was uppermost in my consciousness, was the lightness of her body and the ease with which Lizzy pulled herself up, and over, the top 0f the embankment and onto the road.

I pulled my mind back to the immediacy of the situation as I remembered Jerry and my body, back in the leaking car - this was neither the time nor the occasion to indulgence in these sensations!

My natural instinct was to look down the road in the direction of oncoming traffic to see what was coming but Lizzy's body did not respond to my thoughts and instead looked back down the embankment, towards our car. I tried to get her to turn around again but nothing happened, she still continued to stare downwards. It was then that I realised that I was merely a passenger in this body, and that I had to try to influence her thoughts through the power of my will rather than to try and force a physical response.

She responded within seconds, although I could sense her confusion, and all of a sudden I could see the road as her eyes turned to look for any sign of incoming traffic. My hopes rose as Lizzy's young and non-abused ears picked up the distant sound of an approaching car.

I watched the lights approach and felt Lizzy's tiny arms waving in desperation as it got nearer. I felt myself fade away as I saw an elderly man and woman leave the car with two middle-aged men following behind them.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I later found out that it was the following morning that I finally woke to see sunlight streaming into a white walled room. I am not too sure how long it took me to remember the previous nights events, and to realise where I now was, but I am sure it was only a minute or two - it's only that it seemed far, far longer at the time.

Can you imagine what it feels like to wake up and to find yourself swallowing a mouthful of what, I later found out to be, a spoonful of mushy cornflakes!

Can you imagine what it is like to experience total and complete wakefulness, with no period of assimilation between the normal sleep like state and the raising of yourself out of bed!

It was like experiencing my worst nightmare as I felt my head jerk in a sudden panic and then watched, and felt, myself (although I wasn't too sure what that was) running quickly to a large version of my wife, in a world that had seemed to have grown enormous to me.

I felt my light body being lifted up with ease, and felt my face pressed into the warmth and softness of a woman's bosom. It was as I felt her calming influence on me that I started to notice details of my surroundings, and was able to analyse my experiences, for the first time.

I could only look in the direction I was facing but I could see, and feel, a few strands of sandy coloured hair brushing against my face as my head turned slightly, my cheek now pushed into this comforting breast.

"Mommy, mommy - it was daddy, it was daddy" I could hear the voice from my body say. I realised that it was Lizzy's, and then everything started to come back to me.

"Hush, hush baby" I heard Louise reply, "I know you're scared but daddy will be all right, he has to be"!

I knew it was Louise all right, even though the timbre of her voice sounded a little different than usual.

I felt my small and delicate hand lift, and brush, against Lousie's cheek - feeling the dampness that ran freely. I was shocked as it appeared to be moving of it's own violition!

It was then that everything clicked into place, as I remembered the crash, my helping Lizzy to focus on getting help by merging with her, and then the car stopping and help arriving. After that everything was just blank - I must have blacked out. I had assumed that I would wake again in my own body - returning to where my lifeline was. This had obviously not happened and I realised that I was still here, in Lizzy's body.

Why hadn't I gone back, a sudden panic overtook me - was I dead and did I no longer have a living body to return to - these thoughts went through my mind, a mind that was rapidly losing control!

I could feel Lizzy getting upset again, and knew that she had been picking up on my thoughts. I had to try and control myself and fade into the background until she had a chance to calm down. I also realised that my thoughts must have gotten through to her, earlier, when I first woke up - that was why she went running to Louise!

I attempted to fade into her background thoughts and must have succeeded as she did, indeed, relax a little. I listened to the reassurances that Louise was giving her and, despite being closer to another person than I had even been before, I felt lonely and wished she could have reassured my own thoughts and fears. I needed to understand what had happened to me, why couldn't I return?

As if in response to my thoughts Louise started to explain a little more about the situation to Lizzy.

"You know your daddy is very poorly, and that he will be doing all he can to get well again. We have to be patient, but it's not going to be easy for him - he's got some very serious injuries and it might take some time before we know how long he will take to recover".

If I recover, I thought despondently!

"I am just amazed that both Jerry and yourself got off so lightly considering" Louise continued, "I mean your few bruises, and Jerry's broken arm, it could have been a lot worse".

"Can I see daddy, I need to see him and let him know I'm thinking about him" Lizzy said as she hugged her mom.

"I'm sure that will be all right, and I am sure that he knows that you love and want him to get well again"" Louise responded.

Yeah, more than you'll ever know, I thought sadly, admiring the way that Louise was coping with all of this. She was one hell of a woman!

Come on then, let's go I thought, starting to get impatient, I wanted to see what state I was in. I would have to keep my thoughts guarded from her; she seemed to be picking up on these stray snippets that I kept letting leak out.

"Well he's not a pretty sight right now, I'd better go check that it's okay to see him. Are you going to be okay on your own for a few minutes?" she said, and left the room on hearing Lizzy's affirmation.

This gave me a few minutes peace and quiet and I took the opportunity to explore my unique situation; well I suppose it must have been unique but I wasn't really sure!

I hadn't yet tried to make Lizzy do anything physical yet - I hadn't wanted to spook her too much. I decided to try an experiment and thought about moving her/my hand a little - nothing happened!

I was managing to stay in the background pretty well, and concentrated on staying that way as I took stock of my situation. At least I knew that my body was still alive although I sounded in a pretty bad way from how Louise had spoken. I knew only too well that she was trying to make any bad news palatable for Lizzy, the situation could be far worse than she had intimated!

I was also fascinated that I was now receiving all of my sensory inputs from Lizzy's perspective, and noted the sometimes subtle, but at other times significant, differences between her young and fresh body, and those from my original one. I knew that I could see far clearer than before where I had previously been slightly myopic. Colours seemed to look a little different as well; most notably was the depth of colour that I could see that I had previously been unaware of. The vivid greens and reds, the deeper blues - it was quite wonderful and magical and I inwardly gasped at the magnificence of nature. It helped me to forget, for a just a few seconds, my predicament!

Any further musings I had were temporarily halted as Louise came back into the room, took Lizzy by the hand and then led her along a quiet corridor towards where she had told her that I was being cared for. Lizzy approached the room and I experienced a mixture of curiosity and trepidation.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Why pause here, you may ask? Well I'll tell you. I was just remembering exactly how I felt as I entered that room in Lizzy's body and saw myself lying peacefully on a hospital bed with IV's and drips, and everything else you could imagine, that seemed to be connected to every visible orifice in my body.

If Lizzy had been old enough to drink then it would have been a sobering experience for me.

You know how it is when you sometimes see a photograph taken at an angle, from where you would never normally see yourself - not even in a mirror. Or listening to a recording of your voice and thinking that it doesn't sound at all like you. Well, that is what I felt as I saw my unconscious body through Lizzy's eyes!

I had gotten used to seeing my prostrate body during my OBE's but it was still like looking at yourself in the mirror (almost), except that things weren't reversed - I had invariably been lying prone, in the same position a when I departed from it. This was different. This was seeing myself from a completely changed perspective. As I have mentioned already, Lizzy's eyes were sharper, the colour spectrum was subtly different and I was somewhat lower down as I looked at my body. But who am I trying to kid - it was really none of those things!

This was about looking at the grey and ashen skin on my face.

This was about looking at my unblinking eyes as my body lay there, unmoving!

This was all about looking at myself and appearing, to all intents and purposes, to be dead!

It was later that I found out my body was in a coma (tell me something I didn't know!) and that I had a broken neck and suspected paralysis. They thought it was unlikely that I would ever fully recover again, and the prognosis looked bleak!

For the first time since the car crash, it really sunk home to me that I could have been killed - me - Howard James Cooper - dead!

I felt lost and completely out of control and needed to do something desperately, to make that semi-corpse come alive again. Lousie needed me - Lizzy and Jerry needed me - I had to do something - I needed to get my soul back into my body and make things well again!

I tried to put myself into the trance-like state that facilitated the OBE but couldn't - it wasn't like my mind that was in control of this body's brain and I couldn't exert enough influence on Lizzy to allow her to do so. The influence I did exert though, was enough to upset Lizzy and she, again, felt my presence!

As before, they thought her cries of daddy were those of concern and upset at seeing my body lying there, not realising that she could feel my very presence inside of her. I decided to back off again, to let her calm down and try to leave her body later - maybe when she was asleep.

I had always been a very rational and pragmatic individual, very quick to adapt to any given situation - it had always been one of my key strengths - but this was testing my ability to the limit. There was nothing I could now do to help the situation so I decided to become a passive passenger again and, ever being the optimist, thought I would take this unique opportunity to feel life through Lizzy's eyes. I hoped, however, that this opportunity would only be for a 'limited period only' and that everything would soon return to normal.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I spent the whole of the remaining day sharing Lizzy's world and made some intriguing discoveries, and even had some fun in the process!

It is one of life's great mysteries how you can so easily forget what it is like to be a child - how you feel when you are small in a land of giants. I can vividly remember being six and having my father carry me on his shoulders around the room and of being petrified in case I fell all that long, long way down to the floor. I can remember trying to imagine how it would have felt to be as tall as he was, to walk around in his world seeing things from his lofty position. Of course when you do reach those dizzy heights you have grown up to it slowly and you end up forgetting that sense of wonderment and adventure you held as a child.

Well I was indeed blessed. I got to feel that wonderment all over again as Lizzy, unknowingly, took me on a trip back to childhood. The wonderment however, was twofold this time - this time I was getting to experience it as a girl!

The experience overwhelmed me and, despite the reason I was getting this opportunity, I was actually starting to enjoy it. It was all of the little things that engraved themselves on mind, and I wanted them to be engraved so that I could take them with me when I returned!

Things like stepping outside into the warm summer air and feeling the light summer breeze caressing my bare legs as Louise took us home, after the visit. Oh I had always worn shorts in the warm weather, both as a man and also as a child. This was different though. Lizzy's legs were truly bare with no trace of hair on them - also her skin was much softer and more delicate. There was also that exposed feeling that came from wearing her dress, and feeling the warm breeze make it's way much higher and more completely than I had ever felt with shorts. It felt glorious!

Things like Lizzy sitting on one of the hessian-backed chairs in the hospital, and feeling the rough fabric irritate the back of her thighs, then feeling her lift her leg and of her scratching the offending area.

Things like just walking down the road and feeling the emptiness between her legs. I now realised that I had always been, unconsciously, aware of what lay between my legs when I had been in my own body. I liked to think that was because I was well hung but knew, deep down, that all men are constantly aware of their genitalia - they are always in the way, nudging and reminding you in whatever you do in a way that a woman can never truly appreciate. Whenever you sit down you can feel them - whenever you walk they are always begging for attention - whenever you see a pretty girl they always remind you of their presence, usually in the most embarrassing way. I had never realised how much they were always there until now, now that I no longer had them!

I could remember sometimes, when I had been a man, of experimenting - seeing if I could sit with my legs tightly pressed together like a girl's, it had always looked so uncomfortable. I could never really achieve this feat for more than a short time as it had always hurt me and had felt extremely awkward, and it always amazed me at how easily females could achieve this Herculean feat, apparently without effort!

Now I knew - I was as aware of the gap as I had previously been of the constant presence of my cock and balls and I have to say, I felt liberated - it felt good (well, at least for a while anyway)!

It felt so nice to sit down and feel the flatness, and smoothness, that now existed between my legs. It felt so free to be unencumbered by the material that used to cling to my legs.

I am sure that what made it such a blast was the fact that I believed I would be returning to my own body shortly, and that this was a one-off deal. Being honest with myself though, I couldn't deny my feelings about this - I felt envious for the first time, envious of how sensual the life of a girl must be and I wanted the experience to last a little longer!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

After we had returned home, I found that the rest of the day went fairly quickly for me; everything still seemed fresh, new and exciting! The only downside to this was seeing what the injuries to my own body, and my current comatose state, were doing to my wife and family and I did miss the special kind of intimacy that I had come to take for granted, with her. They were, understandably, taking this very hard indeed - the family was just not complete. My own body was lying in a hospital bed for some indeterminate period of time and Jerry was also there until his broken leg healed enough for him to return home.

Seeing Louise's all pervading gloom certainly took the shine off of any feelings of pleasure I was having, and I was determined to try and return back to my own body this evening, I couldn't see them suffer any more than they had to!

I had managed to keep my mind occupied whilst Lizzy took a bath, I didn't want to invade on her privacy to that level, and was very relieved when she was put to bed. What I hadn't expected though was to find Lizzy lying in my own bed, next to her mother. It made sense - they were both upset and I was sure that Louise, especially, would want the comfort and company that being with her daughter would provide.

I felt Lizzy drop off to sleep about five minutes after her eyes had closed, and listened carefully until I could hear the regular breathing of her mother before I made an attempt to leave her body again. This gave me the chance to see if I could assume some degree of control although I had felt somewhat nervous in case I failed. I started to wonder whether there would be a physical limit to how far I could travel - I knew that the hospital was about seven miles away and I just hoped that this wouldn't be a problem for me!

Casting these thoughts aside I tried to let myself slide into a trance, trying to create the most sympathetic spiritual condition possible as I had done so many times before. I could still feel Lizzy's presence here, despite the fact that she was sleeping, and - for the first time - I entered her higher state of consciousness, hoping that I could assume enough control to complete my task. I tried to concentrate and relax simultaneously, and I willed myself towards the ceiling as I had always done before.

I waited expectantly, for the anticipated feeling of lightness and floating.

This time there was nothing! Zilch! Zero!

I felt more than a little shaken and tried to compose my inner being so I could make another attempt.

Same result, nothing!

Within those few fleeting seconds my despair was total - I now, intuitively, knew that I would never be able to leave my body in the way I had been used to. Although Lizzy remained asleep, even then it was still her body and her mind that controlled it. My influence was minimal and I knew that it would never be enough to allow me to exploit my natural gift.

If you can try to imagine how it must feel to suddenly lose your eyesight, or to one day find yourself deaf or to not be able to speak - that was how I felt at that moment. If I could no longer leave my, or Lizzy's, body then that would be the equivalent effect to me, of losing one of my basic senses!

On a far deeper level I also now knew that Lizzy had no psychic ability whatsoever, I could not sense it anywhere. If that was the case then I reasoned that it could mean that it must be something physical that allowed an individual to enjoy this freedom - something physical that she did not possess.

Surprisingly enough, this was only a secondary thought for me, until I realised that if I could no longer perform this, for me, basic function then I was, effectively, trapped here - trapped as a passenger in my daughter's body!

It proved to be a long night until I finally managed to join Lizzy in her welcome oblivion.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I woke the next day, at the same time as Lizzy this time thank God, I was no longer so enthusiastic about seeing life from her perspective. Where, before, I had been a reluctant but curious passenger within her mind and body - and everything had seemed like a big adventure, I now felt like a prisoner, a prisoner in a small cell - totally dependant on Lizzy for everything!

I knew that I would have to attempt to leave Lizzy's body again and I also knew that it was going to be an attempt that was doomed to failure. I could no longer shed any tears from my own volition, but I could feel the same sensation of anguish and pain that would have accompanied them.

Would I be sentenced to spend the rest of my life in Lizzy's body and if so, how would I cope?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Well, as I had predicted, all the subsequent attempts I made to leave Lizzy's body failed. I hoped that it was not a self-fulfilling prophecy and that I had not convinced myself that it could not be achieved and therefore had made it impossible to do so, but I knew that this was not the case. I simply did not have enough control of Lizzy to meet the physical aspects of the transformation.

I retreated entirely into the background for a few days, unwilling to intrude into Lizzy's young life and unwilling to face my predicament.

I had spent my time listening in to all of her thoughts and, sometimes, opening my spiritual eyes through her own but, in the main, I was taking little notice of them.

What finally snapped me out of, what I think was an understandably self- indulgent mood, was Lizzy herself. After a few days I had started to get bored and I started to tune in a little closer to her thoughts. I had not been surprised when I had found her thinking and worrying about me. She seemed to be sad, both for myself and for the rest of the family, but the pervading impression I got from her was one of curiosity - I think that she may have been aware of my presence and started to feel excited!

What to do, what should I do?

Should I let her know that I was all right, and that I was still here with her, or should I just remain in the background - leaving her to grow up unencumbered by what may prove to be an unfair burden on her?

It was a tough call to make but I decided to compromise. I would fade into the background for now, but would try and re-assure her while she was asleep, hopefully she would think she was dreaming but I would be still able to influence her thoughts and encourage her when it was needed. I felt proud of myself as I felt her mental probing cease, proud of my totally unselfish act that was borne out of love for my daughter. In truth it hadn't been that hard a decision to make - when you truly love someone you would be prepared to make any necessary sacrifice for their well-being.

Having made that decision I to find things easier to bear. I may never get back to my own body but I could still enjoy my family - it could have been far, far worse - I could have been dead!

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Life went on and as the weeks turned into months I started to get used to living my life through Lizzy, and I was now finding it hard to know what were my own thoughts and what were hers. Oh of course, that is a bit of poetic license but what I'm trying to say, I suppose, is that the daily reality of living my life through Lizzy's body was starting to seem almost normal.

I deliberately deluded myself that anything she did was what I wanted to do myself, anything she thought I wanted to think, and anything she felt then I wanted to feel it too, until I reached the point where it no longer mattered. Sure, intellectually I knew that this wasn't the case but if I thought about it too much then I think I would have gone insane!

That was how I accepted the lack of direct control I had over her actions and this is how it continued for another three years. Yes three years had gone by until everything changed again.

It had been fascinating experiencing the joys and trauma's of growing up with, and as, a young girl starting to enter her puberty. There were far too many new and interesting ways of looking on life from this new perspective to relate to you but I'll try to highlight a few.

Of course, the physical changes were the most obvious, and the easiest for me to describe but it wasn't just these things that stood out for me. It was things like the friendship that Lizzy had with the two little girls (little girls! Who am I calling a little girl, I was one too now, to all extents and purposes) next door. The lack of aggression in their play, the fun we derided from simple things like putting on lipstick, dressing up and putting on Louise's oversized shoes before strutting around the room feeling really sophisticated and grown up. All of these things were totally new to me and great fun. Maybe I was finding it far easier to accept this feminine existence than I would ever have thought possible but I no longer cared.

When the physical changes hit however, boy did they ever hit!

The most earth shattering time for me, was when I, I mean Lizzy, hit puberty for her first time. Of course, for me, it was the second time but Jesus, what a difference to what, in retrospect, seemed such a simple transition from boy to man. I can certainly empathise with Louise now in how she used to suffer during her menstrual cycle!

The first signs of Lizzy's impending womanhood were the itching she had started to get around her chest when she had just turned twelve. I was fascinated to see her swollen nipples when she had a bath and, also, the puffiness around them. I had long stopped trying to melt into the background during her more intimate moments. After all, I felt like I was part of her in every way - and I no longer felt like a voyeur, or an intruder. God, it was wonderful to feel her excitement as she anticipated the puffiness developing into breasts and all the joys that developing into a woman would bring her. Her innocence and naiveté moved me more than words can describe, and I can remember feeling incredibly sad knowing that this excitement would not last for very long as she matured into full womanhood.

Her first period was a joy for her and she had been so excited as she shared the moment with Louise when it first arrived - this was, obviously, was an incredibly important event for a female, and marked a girl's entry into that exclusive club of womanhood. My sadness for her was soon realised as by the third or fourth cycle she had gotten fed up of the cramps and the accompanying moods that they brought with them, and was soon cursing their arrival every month.

Of course, along with puberty came boys, or at least the ever- increasing interest that Lizzy had in them. I think that this was even harder for me to come to terms with than either her menstruation, her growing breasts (an interesting handful by now), or any other of the feminine changes I had shared with her up until now!

I could feel and hear her thoughts when she looked at a cute boy (see, see how naturally it's become to think about boys that way) and for the first time in nearly three years, I began to feel to feel an identity crisis. This was similar to my earlier experiences with her, as I anticipated her following through with some of her thoughts. I needn't have worried though; I soon started to enjoy the experience despite my reservations.

I can vividly remember Darren, a really handsome boy a little older than Lizzy, trying to get Lizzy on a date and her reaction to it. Where I would, in the reversed circumstances, have felt a hard-on I now felt a variety of new sensations. I could feel Lizzy's nipples harden. I could feel a warm sensation from around my groin that seemed to come from somewhere deep inside of me (later manifesting itself as a sticky dampness). Strangest of all though, I felt a dizzy light-headedness - similar to what I had experienced after receiving a burst of pure oxygen when I had been mountain-climbing when I was younger.

Her reaction was amazing and I was a little shocked at the charming naiveté she felt as her fantasies revolved around the romance of the situation and the sense of power she felt from knowing that she was attractive and desirable to someone. This was directly opposed to the raw lust that I knew that Darren must have felt. Maybe this, more than anything else, describes the difference between the genders - it was certainly the single most important thing that I can remember!

Of course she accepted - well he was pretty cute!

Going dating gave a whole dimension to 'dressing up' for both Lizzy and myself. Lizzy, because she had a whole new reason and purpose driving her motivations, and myself, well - I knew what would be going through the other guys mind when he saw me/her so I felt a little like a tethered goat. What I didn't quite appreciate at the time, was that this emotion - this whole feeling of vulnerability - was actually self-induced and, ultimately, pleasurable for her. This time she was dressing up to go out with a boy and, this time, it was for real!

Clothes were chosen to be subtly revealing and designed to leave the boy begging for more. Make-up was chosen to highlight the areas she wanted him to notice and to disguise those she didn't. I knew because I was privy to her thoughts.

The feeling of the cool evening air on Lizzy's legs as the light breeze played around her legs. The swish of the dress as it brushed against her nylons as she walked along the street, holding Darren's hand. The smell of a male, as Lizzy rested her head on Darren's shoulders at the end of the evening. All of this was new and each memory precious.

As Lizzy kissed Darren goodnight I started to understand the attraction that a girl might feel for a boy, experiencing all of these things through her senses.

It was a real buzz and, as Lizzy's dates became more frequent, I began to anticipate each new date with an increasing excitement.

Well, nothing really changed very much with this situation over the next year, as Lizzy's life became my life and everything started to become routine. Things would not stay this way however, as a new upheaval to this cosy state of affairs hit us all.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Throughout this period my families' visits to see my body, frequent at first, had tailed away as they accepted the fact that I might never wake up again. However much they still loved me, my body's condition made it too painful to for them to keep torturing themselves this way, and I was grateful when only Louise kept up any sort of regular visit and even these were few and far between. I had found it too much to bear myself, having this constant reminder of what had been lost! I wasn't to have known then though, that I was about to be given a chance to return back to my own body, and it was a chance that I would rather have not had!

Lizzy was thirteen now, and we had been regularly dating a boy called Barry of whom who we had grown particularly fond. He was tall, dark and had the most kissable lips! I much enjoyed the stolen kisses, as well as the hurried fumblings, in the odd moments that we managed to get alone. It was one day, as we were looking after his younger brother Stephen, seven, that everything changed.

Oh, it had all seemed so simple at first. We were sitting outside on a bench, overlooking the front garden, and Barry was a little drowsy from the heat of the warm afternoon sun. Stephen was playing on his small bike and showing off when, all of a sudden, he lost control and went hurtling into the road.

Lizzy's heart stopped for a second and then she leapt from the bench and dashed across the sidewalk to try and grab him before any oncoming traffic could reach him. Barry was sitting up, and wondering what the hell was going on and the next thing we knew, Lizzy was turning around to see a small pick-up bearing down on her. She only had time to push Stephen away before we were hit and Lizzy was thrown into the air, landing behind the slowing vehicle.

After that - Silence.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I didn't know at the time just how long we had been unconscious but I was more than confused to wake up and find that I couldn't see anything. Initially I panicked as I remembered the car hurtling towards Lizzy and I wondered if she had died and left me here in a state of limbo. Then reasoning took over; I might not have been able to see anything but if I concentrated enough I could hear something, almost like a faint humming noise in the background. As I tried to identify the noise I recognised it as the virtually inaudible whine of air-conditioning keeping the temperature, of whatever room I was staying in, regulated.

This was torture; never before have I felt so helpless or alone and my isolation was increased a hundred-fold by the complete absence of Lizzy; I could feel no sign of her presence anywhere!

Maybe it was the sense of panic that facilitated what happened next, or maybe it was the sudden feeling that maybe I was in control of this body but the next thing I knew, I was opening my eyes and that was the key event here - they were MY eyes!

I looked tentatively around the room, a feeling of awe enveloping me after so long of being a passenger to another, as I realised I was controlling the movement of the eyeballs. It took a few seconds but I realised that I was in a hospital room, a room that looked suspiciously like that which my original body occupied. Had the shock of what happened to Lizzy propelled me back into my own body, I wondered, before my wandering eyes espied a movement, right at the periphery of my vision.

This was amazing, I was managing to move my head slightly, emitting a groan from the unexpected effort it took and then a cold feeling ran down my spine - I knew that voice!

The next thing I knew I saw mother - I mean Louise - hurrying towards me, breaking my train of thought!

"Oh Darling" she called to me, her voice breaking from the emotion of the moment, "you've come back to me" she sobbed as she put her arms around me and hugged me tightly.

It was at that moment that revelation hit me as my psychic senses flooded back in, overwhelming me. This fact alone told me everything I needed to know, apart from the physical sensations I was receiving. Time seemed to stop as I felt her body press closely to my breasts and I knew that I was still in Lizzy's body - the question was where was Lizzy? I could not feel her presence anywhere and I started to feel abject despair as everything went black again.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The next time I awoke I could see instantly. I tried to move my arm and felt it respond to my bidding. I tried to put myself into the dream like state that I had always achieved in my own body and felt myself slipping away as my karma started to rise to the ceiling. I rotated 180 degrees until I could see the bed below me, and the battered and bruised body of my daughter. It was a good thing that I was not in a corporeal state, as I think my mental cry of anguish would have woken the dead.

The very fact that I had control of her body, aligned with my returned ability to leave it, told me that Lizzy was gone - I could feel her nowhere. A great sadness overcame me as I knew that she was dead.

I did not want to return to her body at that moment, I needed a little time to consider my emotions, and I felt myself drifting beyond the room and into the corridor. I could see the hustle and bustle of doctors and nurses, as they moved purposefully towards there next task and continued to drift, suddenly knowing where I was going. The next thing, I found myself in a similar room to where they were keeping Lizzy's body and looking down to see my original shell looking pale and lifeless.

I wondered what would happen if I tried to inhabit my own body again after such a long time away from it. Would it still recognise me and accept my karma?

I was about to try, knowing that Louise would be relieved to see me back and alive again, but knew that I had to say goodbye to Lizzy - just this one more time.

I drifted back to her room, marvelling at the familiar sense of liberty and freedom that I had regained, although my joy was tempered by the loss of Lizzy, and I soon found myself back to where I had left her body. I had expected to find the room quiet but was a little startled to see Louise sitting there, holding Lizzy's lifeless hand.

"Oh come on baby" she sobbed, "please come back to your mom. I just know you awoke briefly yesterday, I heard you groan and I saw your eyes flicker but the doctors think I am just a hysterical and desperate woman who would believe anything to give herself hope. Please baby, please come back!" she pleaded as I watched the tears roll down her eyes.

What a dilemma - it hurt me so much to see my wife, and my erstwhile adopted mother, suffer and I tried to project calming thoughts and feelings towards her. In her upset state though, this had no effect!

I knew, at that point, that I had to make the biggest decision that I would ever be faced with. Before I could make it though, I had to examine my own deeper feelings - I had to find out who I really was now. Oh sure, I know that I am really Howard Cooper, husband of his beloved Louise and father to Jerry and Lizzy, but it was no longer that simple!

I had lived as a partner to my daughter Lizzy for a long time now, I had been privy to her thoughts and feelings shared her highs, and suffered with her during her lows. I had now experienced, first hand, the conflicting emotions the body forces a girl to go through as she starts to grow up. I had even started to look at boys with feelings of attraction and desire. What would all this do to me if I returned to my own middle-aged male body?

As I probed my feelings even further, I knew that I felt just as much a young girl as I did a middle-aged man now. I had lived, thought, and dreamt with Lizzy for so long that I genuinely felt a part of her and of her body and I was comfortable that I would be able to exist on either level.

Oh I knew where this was leading, I just had to have the mental debate to convince myself that what I was about to do was the right thing though. I also knew that once the choice had been made that there could be no going back - it just wouldn't be fair to anyone!

I looked down at Louise again, and seeing her strained face made me cease my prevarication's - I had to act now. Who did she need the most, I thought - that would determine the sacrifice I knew that I would have to make?

The choice made itself. Louise had got used to Howard James Cooper being, to all extents and purposes, dead. It had been hard but she had gotten on with her life, accepting the inevitability of her loss, and determining that she would provide for her children, both emotionally and physically in the best way that she could, and that she had done. If she lost Lizzy after all that she had gone through, well, I dread to think how that would affect her - she might well become unhinged.

Making my mind up I looked at Lizzy's pretty face and drifted back towards it before bonding with her again, for the final time. Well not quite the final time - I knew I would leave it again, enjoying my temporary excursions from her earthbound state, but this would always be where I would return - I would become Lizzy Cooper forever now.

Seconds later I felt my eyes flicker open and I was staring into the face of Louise who instantly spotted my movement, and pressed her face close to mine. It was an intensely emotional moment that we shared as, for the first time, I let go of Howard completely and became Lizzy in both body and soul and I immersed myself in the love that Louise had for her daughter. Despite this, or maybe it was because of this, I cried for Lizzy and I cried for myself, relieved that I had made a decision, even though it was one born from the tragedy.

I still felt nervous though, as I knew I would have to take over and direct Lizzy's body for every little thing, I had merely been the passive partner in what had been a unique relationship up until now, and I hoped I could cope. First though, I wanted my birth body to be given up by Louise; my last selfless act would be to relieve her of her burden and sense of duty and to free her, as I had been freed.

Louise pulled away from me and stared into my face, as she held my chin in her hands.

"Oh baby, I thought I'd lost you" she smiled as she examined every inch of my face, making herself believe that Lizzy had really returned. I knew that this would be the first real test for me, although I did have the insurance of being able to put any inconsistencies down to the accident. I decided to just go for it - now was the time to influence Louise, or I suppose I should really start thinking of her as mom!

"Mo .. mommy!" I croaked and took a sip from the glass of water that mom held out to me, "I've been talking to daddy" I continued, relating to my original self in this way for the first time. I know that Lizzy had spoken me in this way but this was the first time that I had.

"I was scared, and I think I was dying, when daddy returned to me and told me that he was all right and everything with him was fine. He told me he was with Grandpap's again and that one-day, we would all be together but that this now was not the time. He said I had to go back to be with you and Jerry".

As I looked at Louise's strained and heart-broken face I felt a tremendous sense of guilt, even though I was knew that I was doing the right thing, and I felt my little heart churn at the pain she was feeling. I steeled myself though, I had to continue now having set the scene, and I now had to tie up the loose ends.

"Daddy said to tell you that you must let him go now, he cannot come back his old life now and doesn't want you to worry any more" and I suppose that was true after a fashion. "He said that all he wants now is to rest in peace until we're all together again".

There, I had done what was necessary and just hoped that I could console her and could make her think to the future again, one day.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It wasn't until two days later that I knew that I had done the right thing. That was when mom told me that daddy's life support had been turned off, and that his own body would now decide whether it lived or died. I had noted that I had automatically thought of my former self as 'daddy' now; the years of living with Lizzy, and listening to her thoughts about me, had obviously conditioned me much more than I had realised. I had also noticed that I had hardly had to make any effort to pass myself off as her - it all came quite naturally - and I really did start to regard myself as if, indeed, I was my daughter!

Despite my acceptance of my state I found it very hard to get over my daughter's death. I have gotten some sort of consolation though. Ever since my psychic powers had returned I had been receiving sporadic visit from those departed, and had been pleased to help them in whatever way I could. This hadn't been enough though - hers was the visit that I had really wanted. I wanted to feel absolved from the guilt I had felt at the decision that I had taken - the decision to carry on with her life.

Another six days later my natural body died, and the subsequent burial had been the catharsis that my family had needed. It was a strange, and sad, occasion as I attended my own funeral, but it finally closed a chapter on our lives and I found the old adage 'life goes on' had never been truer as our lives soon got back to what would be our normality.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It's been eighteen years since that fateful day and I've never breathed a word about what happened all those years ago - that is until now - and after this, I will never mention a word of what happened to me again.

I was very nervous at first, concerned at how well I could adapt to all that had happened, and how I would handle having to grow up as a girl without Lizzy's influence to guide me. I soon found a surrogate mentor though, albeit from an unexpected source!

I had decided to research the whole topic of gender, and of gender confusion, reasoning that if I was conversant with this area then I might be better able to understand what was happening to me. After all, if anyone should feel they were living in the wrong body, or were the wrong sex, then it certainly should be me! I thought that if I could understand how others felt about it, and how they coped, it might give me an insight and would help me cope with any problems that I might encounter.

I started off looking in the local, and school, libraries but found that the few items that were available were very dry and clinical and were usually under the medical section. Then I had a brainwave. Mom had brought me a PC to help me with my schoolwork and one of the first things I had done was to go on-line. A quick search, using one the well-known browsers, soon identified a rich source of data that treated the topic from both the medical and emotional viewpoints. It was the emotional area that I found the most interesting, reading about 'real' peoples struggles to come to terms with who, and with what, they were and because they were real people there was a mixture of triumphs and tragedies. It was enlightening reading, but somehow it didn't shed any light on my condition and left me with more questions than answers.

This all changed when I stumbled, purely by accident, upon a site called Fictionmania. Despite being a site that dealt with TG fiction, and didn't attempt to justify it's existence on any other basis than that, it gave me the greatest insight into the author's, and readers, dreams and fantasies and seemed to glorify in that fact without any shame or regrets!

I did not find everything contained within it enjoyable. Certainly, the tales of cruelty and abuse left me cold, but the volume and diversity of both authors and stories helped me realise that I now had something that plenty of people would probably sacrifice a considerable amount to obtain.

It was the first thing that made me realise that, maybe, I should not just bemoan my fate, but that I should positively embrace it - many would consider what I now had to be a gift!

I have had an incredibly rich life during those years, as I grew up as a teenage girl and blossomed into womanhood. I discovered that I had all the natural excitement and enthusiasm of any girl growing up and experienced none of that hackneyed world-weariness that I had half expected to feel, having been through it once already! I suppose this was different though, as I had found the difference between the gender's outlook on life more significant than I would have dreamt possible when I had been Howard Cooper.

The possibility, and probability, of becoming a mother shades a girls life in so many subtle ways, more than a man would ever dream was possible, but I found myself enjoying the dreams of marrying and raising a family as I discovered Lizzy's inherent maternal instinct. Thoughts of a full-time career did not excite me but I also knew that I didn't want to be housebound, and just a housewife. I found my creative release through the arts, something I had never managed to achieve as Howard, and became semi-successful around the Manhatten beach district, and I am going to continue with this as I bring you both up - I'm going to maintain my own identity.

Not everything came out as predicted though. I have told you that I would become Lizzy Cooper forever but I made yet another transformation, this time in name only but I am now proud to be known as Lizzy Vialli, after marrying your father Gianfranco, who his friends all call 'Frankie'. He's a kind and loving man and you're going to love growing up and having him as your father.

Looking at you now I can feel a warm glow spreading all through me, and I cannot believe that you have both come from my very own body!

Now you know everything about me my little twins. Now you will understand why I've called you Howard, after my dear 'father', and why you're called 'Mary', after your great grandma who 'lost' her only son.

I've been talking a long time now and you look tired. I think I'm all talked out and I'm going to wrap this tale up before your father, your grandma, and your great grandma get here to see you - they're due any minute now - otherwise you're going to be too tired for them.

You know it's funny really, lying here in this same hospital that has featured so prominently in my life. From my death, to being re-born, to having children of my own - it's almost as if somehow, that this was all just meant to be.

Just at that moment the door to my private room opened and I was greeted by a warm kiss from Frankie as he pulled my face towards him.

"Oh honey, you look absolutely beautiful - you are positively radiant. You know something - I think motherhood suits you".

I looked up at him with what I knew was a wicked twinkle in my eye and patted the front of his trousers, feeling what had brought this gift to us both.

"Well don't be getting any more big ideas, you can keep this thing under wraps for a while. You have no idea what we women have to go through to get to look this radiant" I said with feeling.

That was certainly something I could speak of with absolute conviction having been both a mother and a father in my life. Men have no idea how easy they get it at times!

As I passed over his daughter to him I held little Howard close for a second, and looked deeply into his eyes. You know what, there was something familiar about them - I could swear that I could see Lizzy looking back at me, just for a moment!

Just then his mom and his great-grandma walked in.

Everything seemed complete to me again and I squeezed Frankie's hand.

"Well I think you are going to make these children a wonderful mother" he said, returning the pressure.

"You know something Frankie - I think you might just be right!

The End